Leona Lewis: twice the woman you'll ever be

Leona Lewis is no longer the shy Pizza Hut waitress who won X-Factor. She's only released two singles and one album, but she's now a global mega-star. She's not just the new Mariah Carey, she's surpassed Mariah Carey and become an even more massive superstar. Let's take a look at the video for her latest single, Forgive Me, to prove this. But is it really Leona, or her glossier, more saccharine Hollywood twin?


Following the success of Bleeding Love and debut album Spirit, Leona's fame inspires break-outs of mass, Kids from Fame-style street choreography. In case you're thinking 'but Leona's a singer, not a dancer', don't worry. It's cut very fast so you can fool yourself into believing that she can groove with the rest of the troupe.


But she's not just another cute girl in a pink t-shirt. She's a glamorous cabaret star in a miniature top hat and black sequined dress, caressing a hot pink sofa.


Her powers do not stop at street dancing. Leona's superstardom also intoxicates a small mob of anonymous men in creepy white masks.


Yes, those masked men are good for Hallowe'en. But what Leona really needs are some smart men to help her out in unexpected downpours.


The local cinema has devoted its advertising hoardings to Leona's new single, because it is a very important cultural event.


You'd think the street dancing, sinister cabaret and shiny mackintosh would be enough for one woman. But Leona is no ordinary woman. She's also commands an ethereal Merry-Go-Round for ballerinas.


Finally, Leona gets time to relax and send a text on her really expensive phone. You just know she's texting her hot ticket of a boyfriend.

I like short shorts

One of the most common search terms used to arrive at this blog is 'shiny shorts' because of something I wrote here. Well, if that's what you want, that's what you shall have:



By 2009, every music video will have to include some American Apparel clothing. Dov Charney will be checking up on it.

Slow Club are a very good band

Last night I saw Slow Club thumping and chanting in Liverpool Barfly. And they were rather wonderful.

They were supported by a rosy-faced cherub by the name of Thomas Speight, and also a charming young lady in skinny purple jeans. I think she was called Roxanne.

I've seen Slow Club a few times before, but last night they were extra special. For two people, they can make a lot of noise. They feature a quirky assortment of percussion, including the chair at left (legs sawn off for easier transportation). They can sing beautiful harmonies. They can even go off mic and keep all eyes on them. They're also from Sheffield. Go Sheffo!

My boyfriend declared that, as is, they are too quirky for mainstream success. But if they were 17 years old, instead of hawking their own CDs from a cardboard box at the end of the night they'd be up there with Laura Marling by now. Although I'm sad to admit it, he's probably right.

Solange + Boards of Canada = ??

Yesterday, I mentioned This Bird by Solange and that it is rather good. It's based around Slow This Bird Down by Scottish Warpheads Boards of Canada: it's not exactly a sample, more like Solange singing over the entire song.
There's probably a lot of BoC fans excreting their bile about YouTube comment boxes. How dare an R&B piece of fluff warble all over Boards of Canda?! Well, she does dare, and it's good. And if you don't like it, just ignore it because it's a downtempo album closer. Somehow, I doubt Jo Whiley will be giving it heavy rotation, and the Sandison brothers probably received a nice payday for it.
Maybe I like it because the original is really, really good. Solange's vocals are a poignant meditation on escaping a disappointing relationship ("The music I play must be loud as can be / so I don't have to hear myself think"). There's something about the two parts that doesn't quite fit: fledgling R&B divas and downtempo IDM don't usually belong together. But I like that jarring... it's a song that draws attention to itself by recontextualising both. It's Solange's John Cage moment (or maybe she's saving that for the next album).
Also, during the ebb towards the end, Solange coos 'the song's not over yet...' She totally gets the joke.
Something tells me Solange doesn't give a piffle what you or I think. She wears tinfoil dresses. Because we're not talking about any old Solange here, we're talking Solange-younger-sister-of-Beyonce. Beyonce Knowles, y'all!

Top 10 songs of the week

I should have told you this on Sunday, in the tradition of charts, but I'm a busy woman. Oh well. Let's go!

10. Mr Pharmacist by The Fall
Dave Simpson's new book The Fallen is out now. I might buy it when it's out in paperback, because I'm cheap like that. (It's £18.99 in hardback. That's a lot of pounds to read about The Fall.)
9. Look Back Jacques by The Arch Nazards
The Arch Nazards is my chum Adrian Flanagan, who was briefly a member of The Fall.
8. Up by The Saturdays
There's something I don't like about this whole Saturdays thing, but I haven't decided what the thing is yet. I'll get back to you.
7. Too Fake by Hockey
I'm not just saying this is good because Paul Lester put them on his New Band of the Day blog, ok? It's as if The Rapture and LCD Soundsystem moved to Oregon.
6. My Delirium by Ladyhawke
She is very good, you know.
5. The Promise by Girls Aloud
I'm coming around to the idea.
4. This Bird by Solange
The album's been out for a while, but I forgot about it. This is the album closer, in which Solange-younger-sister-of-Beyonce warbles over a Boards of Canada track.
3. Halfway Home by TV On The Radio
TVOTR (see, I'm a fan) are one of my favourite bands. And now they've got a new album. And they're touring. It's almost too exciting for me, so I've had to ration out listens to this in case I start running around like a hyperactive child.
2. Black by thecocknbullkid
A new song from the Londoner, and she's turning into a proper popstar. This one has bass and a Gameboy-core ending.
1. Embrace by PNAU
My friend spent an evening in the pub telling me how amazing this track is, and getting me to repeat the spelling (p, n, a, u!) so I'd remember to listen at home. Well, I did, and he was right. They're from Sydney, and the vocals are by the lovely Ladyhawke. In celebration of their achievement at hitting number 1 in my arbitrary chart, here's a picture:


Photo by Cybele Malinowski.

One man bands and vodka

On Saturday night I went to a gig at Mello Mello, an artsy cafe run by volunteers just off Liverpool's main drinking strip. It's a lovely little place, with pictures all over the walls and a fine selection of teapots:

Because it's a cafe, it was a BYOB night. So I arrived with ginger ale and vodka, and think I've only just woken up (it's now Monday lunchtime). The main event was Bob Log III, supported by my friend Thomas Truax. There were two other supports, but I was too rude to write their names down and the answers won't provide the answers, so I may never know the name of the young man reading poetry. Sorry! It was the Imperial vodka ('specially selected by Spar').
Thomas Truax charmed the audience with his inventions and crazy antics. Because I've been friends with him for a while, I'm not sure I can evaluate his performance. Let's just say that he doesn't so much break through the fourth wall, as smash it to pieces. And he sings about orphanages, dogs howling at the moon and long train journeys. The audience were grinning their chops off, including the passers-by with their faces pressed to the window outside.
Last week's Guardian Guide unfairly described Bob Log III as 'occasionally entertaining'. Well, Guardian Guide, I was very entertained. Unfortunately, I couldn't really see what was happening because the stage was comparable to a cardboard box. I guess some people would view it as sad that Bob Log III was hotly-tipped in 2001 alongside The Strokes and White Stripes. And while Jack White has a supermodel wife and new Bond theme, Bob Log III is still leaping around in a jump suit and crash helmet for the pleasure of drunken fools (like me). Well, you know which sounds like more fun to me? The latter. Less money, but more integrity.

Girls Aloud vs Sugababes

Top of the pops UK girlbands Girls Aloud and Sugababes both have new singles "out there" (The Promise and The Girls respectively), and it seems appropriate to place them side by side and decide which would be victorious were they to fight. Both bands are vying to be the biggest pop girlband in the land, both are lead singles from new albums and and both have parping brass riffs, which were invented by Mark Ronson in 2007. Fact.
There's a lot of people with a lot of things to say about The Promise, so I don't feel I need to add to it. I agree with No Good Advice's appraisal that The Promise is 'blissful, swooning and warm', but overall it doesn't excite me. It's good, but come on, it's not the best pop song ever.
There's also a lot of people with a lot of things to say about The Girls. All I can say is that it makes me barf in my mouth a little bit. Yes, Sugababes have had some amazing tunes over the years, but I can't get around the problem that they look like the sort of girls who would elbow you out of the way in the nightclub toilets, just to get a better look at themselves in the mirror. Sugababes are riding the bandwagon of popularity by reworking a song that has been used by Boots in their TV advertising. And I despise those Boots adverts, because of the lumbering idea beneath that by buying a cheap bit of make-up will transform you into a desirable glamazon. I don't even need to look at the Sugababes' video to know that it features some lipstick lesbian girl-on-girl grinding. Go on, you watch it and tell me I'm wrong.
Who are the winners? Girls Aloud or Sugababes? You know the answer...


PS I'm still learning how to use Photoshop (or should that be 'how to Photoshop'?), so it's rudimentary. But we've all got to start somewhere, and in my case it was with the polygonal lasso. I'm also not sure what I'm trying to tell you, visually. Girls Aloud = Roy Lichtenstein?

Are The Beatles over-rated?

The new HMV in Liverpool One don't think so.

PS The photo doesn't quite convey how big it is. Well, let me tell you that it is big. It's the Rhodes Colossus of Liverpool. Stand beneath it and you'll be forced to contemplate your own insignificance.

The art vs sport dichotomy

My trip to the Manchester Velodrome as an Olympics glory hound started me thinking about art vs sport. You can dabble in both, but there's only enough hours in the day to excel at one. Obviously, I chose to leap to the arty side of the fence.
At a gig, theatre or gallery I'm comfortable because I know the social conventions, but I spent my hour in the Velodrome feeling a bit embarrassed in case I committed a faux pas. Also, getting dressed in the changing rooms made me feel like I was back at school.
Once I'd got my head around not having brakes and being strapped onto the bike, it was good fun. Sadly, I won't be the next Victoria Pendleton but I managed to get off the Cote d'Azure and above the black line. Although it was a beginner's session, there were some very serious people decked out in Lycra, and a constant whiff of latent aggression. That must be what sport does to you. It was good fun, but I'll stick to art.

Lover, come back to me

My goodness, what a busy week, including a trip to Notting Hill and a wobbly cycle around the Manchester Velodrome. On Friday night, my friend Matt offered up his plus one to watch Julian Cope at the Carling Academy. There was apparently a loose theme to do with Eric's (a long-lost venue of Liverpool legend) to promote a new show at Liverpool Everyman. I was tired, but the lure of a plus one is too great, so I scraped on a layer of mascara and threw on my favourite dress.
The Academy is always dimly lit (they've standardised everything else in all of their venues, is the lighting policy the same?), so I could get away with hiding in a corner like a ghost. A ghost drinking Carling, obviously. Doors opened at 7.30pm and we arrived at 9pm, assuming we'd already missed Pete Burns in the support slot. But, as you can see from the crappy snap at left, we had not.
Pete Burns didn't make it onto the stage until 10pm. A lot of people in the room looked like they were paying babysitters by the hour, and they were getting restless. It was the first time I've been to a gig where the crowd are booing before the band has made it on stage. But this was no mere band. It was glamourpuss Pete Burns. Celebrity Big Brother AND Celebrity Wife Swap alumni Pete Burns. He's not a man who'd be happy with a Subway foot long and bowl of chips before going on stage at 8pm. Oh no. Pete Burns is an exquisite creature who requires fine dining and a chaise longue before performing. Some people might think that three songs is not enough for a set, but when you're Pete Burns and people have paid £20, it's plenty. They should count themselves lucky to be basking in your presence for a mere £20. He introduced 'You Spin Me Round' as 'the song that took me out of Liverpool... thank god'. Yes, that's the attitude Pete! You tell the people of Liverpool that their city is shite, as if it's still the Eighties. He also told the chosen few witnessing his performance that he was 'just going through the motions', and in a glisten of black sequins was gone.
The really frustrating thing? He can sing! He has a certain stage presence! If he weren't such a whinging diva he could have had a proper music career!
Julian Cope soon appeared, topless, wielding an acoustic guitar. The Copeheads in the room seemed very happy to see him, but to me he looked like a man at an open mic night about to launch into a rant against chip and pin or unfair bank charges. I decided to head homewards after a few songs. Sorry, Julian. (Not that he cares.)

And the beat goes on

This weekend feels like the first in ages that I've spent in Liverpool. So I decided to re-discover the city I live in, instead of rushing around the country. On Saturday I went to see The Beat Goes On, an exhibition about Liverpool's music scene, at the World Museum. It's the whole world... in a museum! Nearly. There's a planetarium, aquarium, bug house and bee hive.
The exhibition focused on Liverpool music since the 1950s, through Merseybeat and super-clubs, right up to Hot Club de Paris. It was a sensory overload of memorabilia, buttons to press, pictures and a pretend stage to play inflatable guitars on. Also, being one of those cool, new wave museums, a lot of the bits and bobs on display were personal artifacts... nightclub fliers from the Cream glory days, a spangly outfit worn by a drag queen to G-Bar, a tin robot used on the cover of 'Tin Planet' by Space.
Here are the photographs I took before security asked me to stop:


Half an hour well spent. Obviously, some of it felt a bit self-interested ('Liverpool is amazing! We made The Beatles! We invented music! Did we mention, we're also European Capital of Culture 2008?'). But it was interesting. Looking at the past made me feel more than ever that Liverpool doesn't have a particularly strong music or club scene at the moment. There are some good venues, good bands and good promoters doing good things, but definitely not on the same scale as cities like Leeds or Glasgow.

Enablers at Korova

On Friday night, I watched Enablers at Korova, a post-rock band from San Francisco.
Brighton trio Euchrid Eucrow were supporting. Although it's exciting to see a band comprised of guitar, accordion and viola, they were pretty poor. I thought they were like Magnetic Fields without the knowing humour or intelligence, while my boyfriend condemned them as a rubbish Silver Mt Zion. Harsh words. But it was too, too intense and morbid for a Friday night.
Enablers were much better, and I was surprised by how many fans were rocking out. I don't have much to say, because I was a little tipsy on Fosters (it's only £1.95 a pint). I had a bad head on Saturday, which serves me right.
There was a lot of plaid and check in the room. Plaid and check are the official clothing of post-rock and drone. My friend Matt wore a nice check shirt:


While I went for a plaid skirt and brown cardigan combo. I'm so indie.

Arachnophilia

Remember when I mentioned that building on the Dead 60s album cover? From today, it is now the building with the massive mechanical spider:


The big beastie has been attached to the Concourse Building as part of La Machine, a near-indescrible piece of street theatre happening throughout Liverpool city centre this weekend. Her name is La Princess. The details are cryptic, but it will literally stop the traffic. Roundabouts and street lighting have been removed in preparation, and there's a big spider web over Exchange Flags. What's going to happen? I don't know, but it involves a 'magical snowscape' and I'M SO EXCITED.
However, not everyone agrees. When I was taking the above photograph, a man starting telling me "it's all a bloody waste of tax-payer's money".

Out in the streets

I know I did a post about video yesterday, but I'm doing another one today. From Action Biker's MySpace I stumbled onto a lovely Swedish music blog called PSL. The best bit is a section called Video-arkiv: Musik med ("Video archive: music with". Look at me, reading Swedish with Google Translate).
It's all very lo-fi or no-fi, as most of the performances are acoustic and filmed on the streets and hotel rooms of Stockholm (go, STHLM). I find this a lot more appealing than the fast-cutting, whistles and bells approach of music shows like Transmission or Sound. And there's no grinning Shoreditch-ite telling me why it's cool. I'm such a grump.
There's loads of videos to dip into, and among the Swedish artists there are some familiar friends like Kate Nash, Laura Marling and Slow Club. So far, my favourite is Lykke Li singing Little Bit, because it starts with an old man shouting from his flat, threatening to call the police. At the end, he's been charmed by Lykke and her toy piano, and throws a flower onto the street. I also like The Dodos playing next to a Gothenburg tramline, and CocoRosie over-dressed backstage at Debaser.

Down with the kids

The last time I saw a bit of children's TV, it looked fairly crap. What happened to engaging, well-written programs like My Parents Are Aliens or The Demon Headmaster? And the music? Carrie and David's Popshop doesn't quite cut it. Sesame Street has always included musical skits and guest stars, and more recently Yo! Gabba Gabba has joined in. These shows are both American, and I don't even know whether they're shown in the UK. Are these bands doing it for the kids or the parents? Both, hopefully. Here's a few of my favourites...


Feist re-works 1-2-3-4 to include 'chickens come back from the shore'.


REM play down the fact that Shiny Happy People is about Prozac by re-writing it as 'Furry Happy Monsters'. Mike Mills looks like he's about to explode with glee. And that Muppet looks a lot like Kate Pierson. Maybe she's the REAL Kate Pierson.


This is obviously the best thing James Blunt has ever done.


The Shins forcing grins on Yo! Gabba Gabba. And what is the orange circle covering on the drummer's hat?


The Shiny Toy Guns on Yo! Gabba Gabba. But it's a children's show, so they're named 'The Shinies'.

There's more out there on YouTube, including Chris Brown, Norah Jones, Destiny's Child and Alicia Keys. But they all involve Elmo, and I can't stand that furry simpleton. Children deserve good TV that makes them excited about the world. And who, in 10 or 15 years time, would want to reminisce about the cheap, humourless cartoons filling up children's TV? Give them more of the above. Cut Copy dressed as pirates, playing all of 'In Ghost Colours' live. That sort of thing.

Tunes of the week

Another week, another opportunity for me to compile a top ten list. Here are songs that I've been in playing during the past week:

10 Overdosin' by Heidi Montag
This is absolute crap. I've never even watched 'The Hills'! Honest. I don't even know what it's doing here. Probably because laughing at it makes me feel better about myself.
9 Toy Boy (Extra Muscle Mix) by Sinitta
It's actually by Stock, Aitken and Waterman, and this remix does have some extra muscle (well, extra bass). The sleeve promises 'Today's sound. Tomorrow's technology'. Surely the other way round would be better?
8 Feel The Love by Cut Copy
Unofficially, I've decided this is my favourite song of 2008. Other songs will emerge, but it will take a lot to displace this from the top of my chart. I suppose I should put it at number one every week, but that would get a bit boring.
7 My DNA by Manda Rin
New single from the ex-Bis lovely, but not that much of a new direction. I was a bit disappointed to see on her MySpace that she considers her influences to be New Young Pony Club, Blood Red Shoes and Late of the Pier. Surely it should be the other way around?
6 Breaking It Up by Lykke Li
Still releasing singles from 'Youth Novels'. And they're still wonderful.
5 Gamma Ray by Beck
When I listened to 'Modern Guilt' I was relieved to discover that Beck's still got it. What it is, I'm not sure, but I doubt he knows either.
4 Do The Strand by Roxy Music
The best Roxy Music song. Apart from Virginia Plain. Maybe.
3 Mercury by Bloc Party
Bloc Party managed to take me by surprise with their digital-only rush release of 'Intimacy'. Me and Bloc Party have not always been compatible (it's some of the lyrics look like bad poetry to me). But I was obviously wrong, and now we're going to be best friends. Mercury is amazing. Really and truly.
2 Dusk Til Dawn by Ladyhawke
Wonderful pop. If you're not paying attention, she does sound a little bit like Mira/Helen from Ladytron. Plus there's a Casio VL-Tone squealing in the background, and Casio VL-Tones are ALWAYS a good thing.
1 Jump in the Pool by Friendly Fires
Eeep! Can't wait for the album, or the tour. It's a bit like Cut Copy, a bit like Klaxons. For so long I wanted MORE COWBELL. And here it is. Well done, St Albans' finest. (Apart from Stephen Hawking, Francis Bacon and Michael Morpugo.)
Well, this post looks a bit boring without a picture. So here's one of Friendly Fires larking about: