My vision's gone on Euro

It's the time of year when the bluebells are blooming, the lambs are frollicking and my thoughts are turning to Eurovision. I like it, OK? I just really, really like it. Not even ironically. Also, Moscow 2009 will have revised voting rules (a mixture of viewer votes and "professional juries"), which could potentially even out some of the block voting.

So far, I'm not impressed with the BBC's coverage, which has been a mixture of Graham Norton derision and Andrew Lloyd Webber schmaltz. Jade Ewen, the UK entry, does have a brilliant voice and looks good in a floor-length frock, but it all looks like an advert for Sir Andrew's West End franchises. However, the BBC's Eurovision website does have videos of all the contestants. I've given some of them a listen, and will detail the most... interesting below. Unfortunately there's not enough time in my day to listen to them all. Have you seen how many countries fall within the Eurovision Song Contest boundaries? Loads, that's how many. And not all of them will make the final.

Country Czech Republic

Song and artist 'Aven Romale' [Come On Gypsies] by Gipsy.cz

Concept Superhero hip hop gypsy punks with a glimmer of Queen.

Douze points? A less sophisticated version of Gogol Bordello, so probably not. It's ironic too, so I doubt it will make the final. Casual observers think the competition is full of these novelty entries, but Eurovision isn't too kind on songs that laugh at themselves (please see Spain's 2008 entry, 'Baila el Chiki-chiki' by Rodolfo Chikilicuatre). Because, by extension, they might be laughing at the entire song contest. And if that happens we might as well just forget the whole thing and sit at home, crying over a Celine Dion DVD.

Country Norway

Song and artist 'Fairytale' by Alexander Rybak (pictured at top)

Concept Chirpy lament for a former sweetheart based around traditional Norwegian fiddles, performed by a child prodigy. Alexander claims to be 22, but looks at least 12. His opening lyric is 'years ago, when I was younger'. He must be referring to when he was a foetus.

Douze points? Yes. At first I wasn't sure, mainly because Alexander looks like a more impish Richard Fleeschman. After two more listens, I like it because it's so proud to be Norwegian. Who wants a musically homogenised Europe? Not I. On my third listen I was starting to convince myself it's the best Eurovision song I've ever heard, and that Alexander Rybak - with his cheeky good looks and folk fiddling - is the new Patrick Wolf. After briefly cross-referencing with 'The Magic Position', I am obviously wrong. Yet if 'Fairytale' wasn't structured so rigidly and dismissed the cheesy backing singers, it could be sort of Patrick Wolf-esque, don't you think? If you close your eyes. And squint a bit.

Country Greece

Song and artist 'This Is Our Night' by Sakis Rouvas

Concept Uplifting Euro-dance fronted by a smouldering Adonis. With a massive, truck-driver key change at the end. It just makes me want to wave my arms aloft in admiration of Greece. I like Eurovision entries that aren't embarrassed to declare their intention to win (especially Lithuania's audacious 2006 entry). When Sakis promises 'this is our night / fly to the top, baby / yes we can do it / just wait and see' he doesn't just mean you and me. He means the entire nation of Greece.

Douze points? Why not? It's triumphant, euphoric and reminds me of Sash! circa 1997. And this Sakis fellow looks like a nice chap. His English-language Wikipedia entry is full of salacious rumours, but I don't believe any of it.

Country Ireland

Song and artist 'Et Cetera' by Sinead Mulvery & Black Daisy

Concept Girlie power punk pop without the attitude, wit and balls of Helen Love or Period Pains. It's got guitars on. Strumming power chords. Which, ever since Bill and Ted, has been the official sound of teenage rebellion. If you're wondering why Sinead gets top billing, I think it's because she once played Cinderella in a Dublin pantomime.

Douze points? Non! Nul points! It's a very lame approximation of rock and roll, styled by Tammy Girl. Ladies, put the guitars down and unclip the pink hair extensions.

Elsewhere, Lithuania are sending Justin Timberfake, while Denmark are making do with Fake Ronan Keating. Bosnia & Herzegovina have good betting odds, but I found their entry too boring to get through the second chorus. Also, memo to Belgium: who do you think you are? Jimmy Ray?

And now you know everything you need to know about the Eurovision Song Contest 2009.

Lunchtime

My dear friend Matt asked me what Lady GaGa has for lunch. I didn't know. But he showed me:

The double gig

Last night I double-gigged. And I love doing the double-gig. Rushing across town between venues makes me feel so important and in demand. Well, it wasn't much of a rush. More of a stroll down the road.

The evening started in Liverpool Barfly, which I affectionately call the Baffly. That's because a lot of their line-ups baffle me, and it sounds like Barfly. A double-pun for a double-gig. Clever. My friends Cayelle were playing. They were a bit rusty but did well. I still think they should exploit their strengths and write songs about things they know about, such as tax issues, engineering and Numb3rs. They could be the North West's premier nerdcore band.

After this it was off to Korova for Zarif. She's the new Lily Allen or something like that. We arrived early and had to admire her bass drum for a while (see picture). Quite a while, in fact. But late stage times are just Korova's thing. Luckily, the upstairs bar has CCTV screens, so you can monitor what's happening in the gig venue and decide when it's the optimal time to go downstairs. Too early and you'll have to sit through the soundcheck. Too late and you'll struggle to find a space (although last night that wasn't a problem, with about 20 or 30 people - a bit disappointing for a free gig on a Friday night). As soon as I headed downstairs with my friends we were accosted by two braying City boy types. They were loudly yah-yah-yahing and wearing shirts. Not the Ben Sherman ones you get in TK Maxx either. One of them had slicked-back hair. They might as well have carried a sign declaring "We're not from around here". I'm all for mixing it up and meeting the variety society has to offer, but some people are just twerps. When we politely refused to sit on a sofa with them, they brayed "don't be such a homosexual!" Shudder.

Zarif and her session band were a pleasant surprise. I'd been expecting Remi Nicole Part II, but Zarif was much better than that. Brassy, funky and summery. Uncannily similar to Amy Winehouse circa Frank, yes, but somehow different. Plus her star-shaped earring matched her star-shaped tambourine. How lovely. I was enjoying her set. So were the City boys, who salsa-danced at the front with their accompanying blondes. Berks.

At the end of her set my applause was sincere. "I like this," I thought to myself. "I'm going to add her on MySpace." But then it hit me. She knows those City boys. She's friends with them. Oh Lord. Maybe I don't like her after all.

When's the next Justin Timberlake album out?

It feels like I've been seeing and hearing a lot from Justin Timberlake recently. That T.I. song. That new Ciara song. That Madonna song. And he was hanging around -menacingly - in the background of that Rihanna video. He's starting to look a man who doesn't want a night out to end because he can't face the stiffling loneliness of going home alone. You know the type. It's 4am, the clubs are shut and the afterparty's winding down but they still won't let you leave.

Then a thought occurred in my brain: shouldn't there be a new Justin Timberlake album on the way? It's nearly three years since FutureSex/LoveSounds. However, Rolling Stone confirm otherwise. Unless it's an elaborate double bluff from Timberlake. Maybe he's actually going to unlease a spectacular new album next month, which he's been secretly recording in his bathroom. Hmmm. Seems unlikely.

Does it even matter if we don't get a new JT album? I don't mean this year. I mean ever. If Justin doesn't get around to making a third solo album, I'm ok with that. It's a big commitment: two years (at least) of writing, recording, promoting and touring. FutureSex/LoveSounds and Justified are two very good albums (the former is the better one, obviously, as you might guess from the name of this blog. Charlie Brooker might disagree.). Not many people get to release even one half-decent album, so maybe we should be satisfied with that. I'd prefer Justin to carry on with his collaborations, cameo movie parts and Saturday Night Live skits than have him releasing a succession of increasingly mediocre albums. Yes, I am looking at you, Britney.

Songs that Girls Aloud should cover

Actually, I'm not saying that Girls Aloud should cover the following songs. But they could. If Xenomania wanted a day off, or Jo Whiley summoned them to the Live Lounge (again).

Tuneage (This Is Not A) Love Song by Public Image Ltd
That's a brilliant idea This song is a parping, rousing post-punk foot-stomper. It's based on a contradiction, similar to Sexy! No No No... John Lydon repeatedly snarls 'this is not a love song', but there's something about the way he sings it that makes me think it is.
Then again, maybe not Do Girls Aloud really want to be tackling free enterprise through a pop song? Also, French dance music supremo David Guetta recorded a dark, synth-led version in 2007. (Did you know the French verb 'guetter' means 'to watch for'?)
Lead vocalist Sarah. She could take on John Lydon. Easily.

Tuneage The Facts of Life by Black Box Recorder
That's a brilliant idea Girls Aloud are somehow quintessentially British. And so are Black Box Recorder, who write songs about cups of tea, motorway service stations and queueing for the bus in the rain.
Then again, maybe not It's not much of a song, is it? More of a spoken lament for missed adolescent opportunities.
Lead vocalist Kimberly. She's the slightly prim one. And don't pretend to me that you wouldn't want to hear her cooing 'experimentation, familiarisation... it's all a nature walk'.

Tuneage No More I Love You's by Annie Lennox
That's a brilliant idea Girls Aloud have underachieved with slow numbers. This one isn't quite a ballad, but it has a very lovely chorus.
Then again, maybe not It's a little bit too kooky. Remember the male backing dancers dressed in as ballerinas? And the vocals jump around a lot. Even more than Annie's eyebrows in the video.
Lead vocalist Nicola. She's my favourite. She's kind of glacial.

Tuneage Unchained Melody by Everybody
That's a brilliant idea Everybody else has done this. Robson and Jerome, Gareth Gates, everybody. Girls Aloud might as well make their contribution to the most covered song of the 20th Century.
Then again, maybe not What was once a poignant song is now just a hackneyed, karaoke staple.
Lead vocalist Cheryl. The nation's sweetheart can do her dewy-eyed, wobbly jelly chin thing and we'll all blub in a sad (yet joyous) way with quiet obedience.

Tuneage I Know What Boys Like by the Waitresses
That's a brilliant idea Sassy post-punk pop about attracting male attention, but waving it away. With a massive saxophone solo.
Then again, maybe not Shouty bubblegum poppettes Shampoo released a version in the mid-90s. It reached number 42. But who cares about chart positions? It was a more than respectable effort.
Lead vocalist They can all have a go. Especially the 'boys like, boys like, boys like [hand clap] me'.

Tuneage Maybe by the Chantels (also the Shangri-Las, and Janis Joplin)
That's a brilliant idea Yes, it is a rather brilliant idea. Girls Aloud acknowledged their debt to 1960s girl groups in the video for The Promise. And didn't they look lovely in those sparkly dresses? Maybe is almost a canonical song for 1960s girl groups. It's a beautiful, heart-breaker of a song about yearning for a lost love affair. Even in the opening lyric it manages to reach out and touch you ('maybe if I pray every night / you'll come back to me'). Which a lot of songs fail to do in three or four minutes.
Then again, maybe not Nope. I can't think of any reason why this couldn't work. It's just a really, really good song. It's practically transcendent.
Lead vocalist Nadine. She's got the biggest voice. Sorry, rest of Girls Aloud.

I like driving in my car

People seem to rather enjoy La Roux's In For The Kill as it's been steadily climbing the singles charts. At this rate, it'll be number one in another two months. But, in the video, where is she driving in her car?

There's only three possible answers.
1) The garage, to fill up the tank and buy some Rizlas.
2) An exotic location in order to exact violent revenge on someone who wronged her, as in a Tarantino film.
3) The Eighties.

Do It Yourself

Karen got on the email. She wanted to tell me about the RPM Challenge, which I am now telling you about. It's a NaNoWriMo for bands, where the challenge is to record an album during February. Which 833 musicians/bands eagerly did this year. And now you can skidaddle over there to listen.
Another similar website is SellaBand, where artists sell $10 shares in the hope of raising $50,000 to record an album. 50,000 sounds like a lot of dollars for some bands. You know, not very good bands. Then again, ProTools isn't cheap. And you need to know how to use it. Spunky Japanese rockers Electric Eel Shock shifted their shares in eight weeks, and are now recording. Good for them.
What's the point of all this? I like hearing about people getting on with things themselves and (hopefully) having a bit of fun in the process. Scrolling through all those bands and singer-songwriters made me realise just how many people out there are making music, or trying to make music. Obviously, a lot of it will be a bit rubbish. From the RPM Challenge, I listened to an Edinburgh band called The ZX81s. I picked them because I thought if they named themselves after an early home computer, they might sound like Kraftwerk. They don't sound like Kraftwerk but are still rather good. So well done.

Five new bands for the weekend

The weekend has arrived once again, which means it's time for my (irregular) feature, five new bands for the weekend. Hey ho, let's go...

1) The Ropes Sultry boy-girl duo from New York. More of a fashion statement than a band, but I think I quite like them.

2) DD/MM/YYYY (pictured) Jumpy Canadian math rockers. Like Foals without the haircuts. It's pronounced 'Day Month Year'. Just so you know.

3) Mirrors Brightonian trio of indie boys with synths and a well-thumbed copy of Simon Reynolds' Rip It Up and Start Again. Like Depeche Mode on a downer.

4) Crystal Antlers Rather wonderful, yelping Californians. I'd say they're a little bit psychedelic, but that could just be because they feature what sounds like a Hammond organ. And we all know that Hammond organs are the official sound of psychedelic rock.

5) Juan Maclean He's the next LCD Soundsystem. You know, if you haven't really listened to LCD Soundsystem. Or Daft Punk. Or the Human League. Or anything released by DFA Records. Or funky house. Despite this, I still very much enjoyed his album, The Future Will Come.

The biggest midget in the game

My goodness. Mel C's had a big of a change of image recently:
Not really. You know that's Lady Sovereign, and so do I. She's back with her big comeback (well, medium-sized comeback) single, So Human. It's based around the choicest cuts from Close To Me by The Cure. You might have missed her 2006 debut album (Public Warning) and that Ordinary Boys track she mumbled all over, but let me assure that Lady Sovereign is a big star. The video is proof.

See? She goes to red carpet events where people interview her. On camera. And men in grubby Parkas take photos of her. In the screengrab above Lady Sov is about to cause several thousand pounds worth of damage to the paparazzo's camera, but that's ok. She's a rebel.

And people put her on the cover of cool style magazines. Doesn't she look super super? Also, Anyother Magazine. It's like Another Magazine. Do you get it? (LOL!!)

Crazed magazine. Could that be like Dazed and Confused? (Double LOL!!)

Blah blah, Vague magazine...

The video ends with a big party at an art gallery. It was full of boring, pretentious people wearing suits, but Lady Sov snuck her friends past the velvet rope. They're all such fun that they don't dance, they jump. And they probably wear the plastic toys that come with Happy Meals as jewellery.
What have we learned?
1) Lady Sovereign is famous. And you like famous people, right? Especially the ones who are a bit mouthy and kick photographers. You know, like Lily Allen. Therefore, you will like Lady Sovereign.
2) Lady Sovereign is popular and she likes parties. But not VIP ones. If you bumped into her in Earls Court, she'd probably take you to a cool party in a warehouse. There'll be glow sticks. In a variety of colours. And then you'll be popular too, because you're in there with Lady Sovereign.
3) Did I mention that Lady Sovereign is already famous? Perez Hilton likes her. And if you don't like her, you're just not keeping up.
So far, so pop music video trope. My problem is that So Human is that it's weak. So weak that it might collapse in a strong breeze. It's a feeble ghost of The Cure's Close To Me. Not even Lady Sovereign looks convinced. There's a young chap called Thomas Jules who recently released a similar track, called Get Close To Me. Who thought of it first? I know not. The only winner here is Robert Smith.
In other news, I was ill last week with that winter vomiting virus you've heard everyone talking about. I highly recommend you avoid catching it. Even if you have to cut off close contact with all other human beings, you'll thank me. However, I did manage to watch Animal Collective playing at Liverpool O2 Academy. It used to be a Carling Academy, and to emphasise the difference the bar is now stocked entirely with Carlsberg. The venue still has the atmosphere of a large garage decorated with chewing gum. It was surprisingly full, considering that Liverpool is the city of the Beatles and Animal Collective's music doesn't reach out to give you a big hug. "They're quite good," a boy in a beanie hat said to me at the bar. "But it's not as good as Jim Morrison or Joe Strummer."