My vision's gone on Euro

It's the time of year when the bluebells are blooming, the lambs are frollicking and my thoughts are turning to Eurovision. I like it, OK? I just really, really like it. Not even ironically. Also, Moscow 2009 will have revised voting rules (a mixture of viewer votes and "professional juries"), which could potentially even out some of the block voting.

So far, I'm not impressed with the BBC's coverage, which has been a mixture of Graham Norton derision and Andrew Lloyd Webber schmaltz. Jade Ewen, the UK entry, does have a brilliant voice and looks good in a floor-length frock, but it all looks like an advert for Sir Andrew's West End franchises. However, the BBC's Eurovision website does have videos of all the contestants. I've given some of them a listen, and will detail the most... interesting below. Unfortunately there's not enough time in my day to listen to them all. Have you seen how many countries fall within the Eurovision Song Contest boundaries? Loads, that's how many. And not all of them will make the final.

Country Czech Republic

Song and artist 'Aven Romale' [Come On Gypsies] by Gipsy.cz

Concept Superhero hip hop gypsy punks with a glimmer of Queen.

Douze points? A less sophisticated version of Gogol Bordello, so probably not. It's ironic too, so I doubt it will make the final. Casual observers think the competition is full of these novelty entries, but Eurovision isn't too kind on songs that laugh at themselves (please see Spain's 2008 entry, 'Baila el Chiki-chiki' by Rodolfo Chikilicuatre). Because, by extension, they might be laughing at the entire song contest. And if that happens we might as well just forget the whole thing and sit at home, crying over a Celine Dion DVD.

Country Norway

Song and artist 'Fairytale' by Alexander Rybak (pictured at top)

Concept Chirpy lament for a former sweetheart based around traditional Norwegian fiddles, performed by a child prodigy. Alexander claims to be 22, but looks at least 12. His opening lyric is 'years ago, when I was younger'. He must be referring to when he was a foetus.

Douze points? Yes. At first I wasn't sure, mainly because Alexander looks like a more impish Richard Fleeschman. After two more listens, I like it because it's so proud to be Norwegian. Who wants a musically homogenised Europe? Not I. On my third listen I was starting to convince myself it's the best Eurovision song I've ever heard, and that Alexander Rybak - with his cheeky good looks and folk fiddling - is the new Patrick Wolf. After briefly cross-referencing with 'The Magic Position', I am obviously wrong. Yet if 'Fairytale' wasn't structured so rigidly and dismissed the cheesy backing singers, it could be sort of Patrick Wolf-esque, don't you think? If you close your eyes. And squint a bit.

Country Greece

Song and artist 'This Is Our Night' by Sakis Rouvas

Concept Uplifting Euro-dance fronted by a smouldering Adonis. With a massive, truck-driver key change at the end. It just makes me want to wave my arms aloft in admiration of Greece. I like Eurovision entries that aren't embarrassed to declare their intention to win (especially Lithuania's audacious 2006 entry). When Sakis promises 'this is our night / fly to the top, baby / yes we can do it / just wait and see' he doesn't just mean you and me. He means the entire nation of Greece.

Douze points? Why not? It's triumphant, euphoric and reminds me of Sash! circa 1997. And this Sakis fellow looks like a nice chap. His English-language Wikipedia entry is full of salacious rumours, but I don't believe any of it.

Country Ireland

Song and artist 'Et Cetera' by Sinead Mulvery & Black Daisy

Concept Girlie power punk pop without the attitude, wit and balls of Helen Love or Period Pains. It's got guitars on. Strumming power chords. Which, ever since Bill and Ted, has been the official sound of teenage rebellion. If you're wondering why Sinead gets top billing, I think it's because she once played Cinderella in a Dublin pantomime.

Douze points? Non! Nul points! It's a very lame approximation of rock and roll, styled by Tammy Girl. Ladies, put the guitars down and unclip the pink hair extensions.

Elsewhere, Lithuania are sending Justin Timberfake, while Denmark are making do with Fake Ronan Keating. Bosnia & Herzegovina have good betting odds, but I found their entry too boring to get through the second chorus. Also, memo to Belgium: who do you think you are? Jimmy Ray?

And now you know everything you need to know about the Eurovision Song Contest 2009.