Pre-Eurovision jitters

Every year, I foolishly allow myself to get excited about Eurovision. I always hope it will be a wondrous evening of Europe uniting through song. Look at the logo: there's a heart in the middle. It's like we're all coming together to hold hands, sing the New Seekers and dance barefoot.
ESC 2008 (as we fans call it) has become such a Wagnerian affair that the 43 participants have been split into two semi-finals. Five automatically qualify for the final (last year's winners Serbia, and the Big financial Four - France, Germany, Spain and the UK), leaving the remainder to compete for a slot on the Big Night. Although ESC has a liberal attitude to political boundaries and allows participation from countries including Tunisia and Egypt, there are some notable absences from the large line-up. Surely Italy could have called in Carla Bruni-Sarkozy for some sexpot acoustic strumming? San Marino and Andorra get a look in, but where are the Vatican?
The majority of entries are either forgettable ballads fronted by Disney princesses, or forgettable Euro dance-pop. Life is too short to listen to all 43 entries, but after a quick squint at YouTube I have decided that the following raise themselves above the mediocrity:

France: Divine by Sebastian Tellier
OMG! This is an actual proper pop song! Sebastien has released 3 albums of lo-fi electronic loveliness, toured with Air and featured on the Lost in Translation soundtrack. France sensibly chose Divine without a public primetime TV contest, which is why they're represented by a cheeky slice of Gallic electro-pop. It manages to be kitsch without being all 'postmodern' (eg a bit sneering), and is produced by half of Daft Punk. There was some kerfuffle over the English lyrics, but Sebastian will be Frenching it up for the final. So we can all breathe a Francophile sigh of relief over that.

Ireland: Irlande Douze Pointe by Dustin The Turkey
Oh, now this is just inexcusably bad and offensive. Puppet turkey Dustin is a 'big star' in his native Ireland, but in England he's less famous than his former colleagues, Zig and Zag. Yes, Zig and bloody Zag. Dustin shouts poorly scanned gibberish over a ludicrous dance beat about 'Eastern Europe we love you, do you like Irish stew? Or goulash as it is to you?' Some morons probably think this is satire. It's not. It's is taking novelty too far and it's actually mocking Eurovision by waving a poor quality puppet in its face while blowing a raspberry. Ireland: you should be ashamed. Dustin & Co: go and stand outside in the corridor.

Russia: Believe by Dima Bilan
Heart-throb balladeer Dima is wildly popular in Russia, and represented his country in ESC 2006. Dima is hungry for an international career, and has paid up the dollars for pop maestro Timbaland to produce this. And it sounds like it come from Ryan Tedder's wastebasket. Oddly, Greece's Kalomoira Saranti manages to sound more like Timbaland than Timbaland. Her Secret Combination is a clunky reworking of Timbaland's uber-hit, Give It To Me and features a heavy-handed metaphor for virginity.

Ukraine: Shady Lady by Ani Lorak
Many of the Euro dance entries sound like DJ Sash never went out of fashion, and this is my favourite. It's about 70% chorus, 20% aggressively commercial house production and 10% sequins. The big, big chorus and clubland strings pummel you into submission and although it's cheesy, isn't this an accurate representation of Ukrainian pop music? People can snigger that this sounds like 1993, but Ukraine is still in transition from the Soviet Union to independence. Ukrainians probably want their pop to be big, uncomplicated and pounding. And this is as pounding as they come.

Belgium: O Julissi by Isthar
This is a folk ditty in a made-up language. It's a bit naff, but somehow adorable. And amongst all the heavily produced entries, it seems revolutionary to have a few people singing over some instruments. And there's a flute solo, which Eurovision has been missing for some time.

Bulgaria - DJ Take Me Away by Deep Zone & Balthazar
A throbbing mix of turntablism, breakdancing and rave synths, this three-minute marvel is interesting because somebody forgot to write a song. An enchanting damsel in a nightie sings a two-line vocal hook, and little more. Yes, they're entering the Eurovision Song Contest - without a song.